Julie's Crazy World

Why is it so easy to make decisions for Others?

julieboomboom — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 00:19:06 +0000

Ok so I have this best friend, she has been my best friend since I was 10 so I know her well. I know her personality, I know what she likes and what she doesn’t like, I know what makes her laugh, I just know all that is her. So when it comes time to make a decision she asks me what I think. And oh man it is so easy to make a decision for her. Be it a BIG decision or a little decision, I can do it. I have no problems weigh out the situation and knowing what would be best for her. Why is it that I can’t do the same for myself? Is it because I don’t really care about her, so if the decision I make is bad; it’s like hey no big deal? I don’t think so because I love her with my whole heart, she is my true soul mate. Is it because the decisions she has to make don’t effect me directly? I don’t know about that either because when she hurts I hurt. So what is it then? Is it because I am not emotionally attached to her decisions, the outcomes that happen because of the decision making? Maybe. It’s like when I knew she was with the wrong person, I could tell her and let her know what she should do. But she couldn’t do it, even though she knew in her heart of hearts that I was right and what I was telling her was the best decision she still couldn’t do it. She couldn’t do it because she was going to hurt someone she cared about, and to be honest I didn’t care about that person hardly at all. So even though I know her, and I feel her emotions I do love others in her life the way she does. So that is why the roles are now flipped. She sees I have to do something, and she is supportive and understanding. But I just can’t do it. Even though I know she is right, even though I know she has made the best decision for me. She just doesn’t have the same emotional attachment to the situation the same way that I do. So then if I know she is right, and I know she would never make a decision for me to hurt me in anyway the why can’t I do what she says? Why can’t I just do what needs to get done and get it over with? The sooner I start the sooner it will all end. That’s what I want right? For this to end so I can have a new beginning. Is that what I really want, even if it’s not the best thing for me? Why would I want something that wasn’t BEST for me, why would/should I settle for something that is only ok for me? Why is it that we settle, always we get comfortable and we know there is something better out there for us; why don’t we do something about it? Why don’t we always reach for the stars, reach for the absolute best for us and with in us? When did we stop believing that we deserved a prince and a castle and a happy ever after? When we were little girls we knew someday we would love someone and that someone would loves us back just as much, and in the way we needed to be loved. Why then as we got older did we stop looking for that? Why did we just start to settle for “he cares about me”. That is NOT what I wanted from the beginning so why did I except it? Why didn’t I reject it and keep looking? Why am I not rejecting it now and looking for it now instead of typing about it? Because I am in a rut, I don’t want to hurt anyone, I don’t want to make a bad decision. But my best friend says this is the best decision, and if she is my soulmate then she knows this really is the best decision. So why am I still typing, why am I not acting? Because I am scared, scared and nervous and weak. Oh how I hate admitting that I am weak, but in this case I am. I need to straighten up, act right, and grow a back bone. Well at least I know what I need to do, now I just need to do it. That’s my next step I suppose. Wish me luck!

Later

So this is how I roll

julieboomboom — Sun, 19 Apr 2009 20:50:20 +0000

So I decided to do a deep cleaning of my house. So I start in the closets…to look through what’s there and purge what we don’t need any more. So I am in the hall closet and get rid of some old jackets, towels, and winter clothes. Then I organize it so everything looks nicer and more organized. Then I decide to go into the spare bedroom closet and purge out some things from there to take to the donation place. I am pulling some weird black backpack like thing down and guess what I find. Maggots. No joke Maggots. The black backpack thing is my mother in laws. So then I have to go through the rest of the stuff she has stored there and of course I find more and more maggots. So I have to clean and dispose of all of them and then I feel the need to bleach everything just to make sure everything dies. Then I have to reorganize everything. It is so bad. My husband tries to say it is from when we moved in…three years ago. If that was the case we would have had flies by now not maggots. So I got very frustrated and threw out a whole heck of a lot of stuff. It made me so mad to think that there were maggots in my house. I try so hard to keep the place clean and welcoming so people don’t feel weird or uncomfortable in my house. It takes only one person to ruin that. I was then sad that after all my hard work and trying this is how I get repaid. Well I am going to try and get over it. Now that everything is cleaned I should be able to. So I just needed to tell someone about my maggot experience because it was so disturbing.

Later

OK so now what?

julieboomboom — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 04:14:16 +0000

So my mother in law has been gone, she is in another state gone for about two weeks now. Our lives went back to where they were before with no problem. I have enjoyed being with just my dog, my husband, and myself, but there is a hang up. She is coming back. In three days she will be back. I don’t want to welcome here with wide open arms because I am afraid she will want to stay with us. So I was thinking if you know I was cold shouldered or something to her then she might think back home is the place to be. But I don’t want to be rude. I am just not that kind of person. But I want my life and house back to the way it is right now! I love it. I fantasize about the day that she leaves. I know it is bad but it is true. I miss my old life and I feel like she is intruding all of the time. When she makes dinner, when she walks my dog, when she gets the mail. All of it. Maybe I am being to self centered. Maybe I need to be more open and easy going, like water off a duck’s back. You know, like that. But why? Why do I always have to be the one giving and letting it roll off my back?

Oh well such is life. Wish me luck, I am trying very hard to let it all go. I just want it all to go.

Later

I try, Oh how do I try

julieboomboom — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 04:18:49 +0000

So when I got back I decided I would try again. The whole time I was gone my husband said everything was better and the vibe in the house was great. So I thought I would try this all out and see what I thought. Well it has been a week and 2 days. He was right everything was good, my mother in law was being nice and reasonable and she wasn’t so difficult to get along with. So I was looking at the positive and trying real hard. I invited her places so we could start being nice to one another again and that seemed to be going well. Well today I went with my parents and husband for a day trip. We were gone about 10 hours. We left before my mother in law was up so I had no contact with her until we got home. Well when we got home is was dinner time for my dog so I fed him and once I was done and leaving the kitchen I turned off the light and went in to my spare room to set up for a couple of appointments I have for tomorrow. While I was setting up my mother in law comes in and very snotty like she goes “UMPH, can I turn on the lights or what?” I was shocked and totally throw off, she was in the living room and I turned off the kitchen light because no one was in there. So I said this, “I just turned off the kitchen light so yeah if you need the light on go a head.” Still utterly confused. She then realizes that I did not in fact turn of the living room light and then starts to get a nicer tone and goes, “Oh I must not have had the other light on like I thought.” Then she walks away. Oh freakin great I got to deal with this again, you have to be kidding me. I have been home for just about 15 minutes that is it. 15 minutes and this is how she treats me. The person that has let her live in my house with no warning now asking just showing up. This is how she freaking treats people. No wonder why her husband doesn’t want to deal with her. NEITHER DO I! I am tired of trying just to be treated rudely in my own home. I don’t know how much more I can do but I am sure once I know so will you. Wish me luck and send me all the good mojo you can. I need it all.

LATER!

To Whom It May Concern

julieboomboom — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 04:10:37 +0000

This is from October that I must have saved to drafts instead of posting. So I am now posting since I just found it.

Later

Ok so I love my family and all. It as been about a month now since I have had my own private life and house, and it looks like it will be at least another three before anything changes. I kind of miss my alone time in the house with just my dog.

Thought, thinking, confused

julieboomboom — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 04:19:27 +0000

Ok so I had a HUGE blow up with my mother in law that has been staying with us. My husband didn’t support me at all and I figured it would be easier for me to leave. So I told him once I get back from vacation that I would start moving out. Well it is just about that time. I am leaving on a plane tomorrow to go back, and now I need to figure if I am still in the same mood as before. So this thought has started me thinking and quickly has gotten me confused. I believe that I do want to be out, where I don’t know, for how long, I don’t know. So you can see where my confusion is coming from. Then I have a thought, what if her and I can get a long again? That starts me thinking. Do I try and stay to work things out? Will they just get blown out of perspective again? Do I leave now to create some space for everyone? Has my vacation for a week created that space? Well I won’t know that till I get home. Ugh, so now I am confused. I know I would like space, but how much space do I really need, will I need a TON or just a teany tiny bit? I wish I knew…oh how I wish I knew. I really would like a magic fortune telling crystal ball so I could just wave my hands about and look into it and see what is to come. Then I would know the right answer to the questions. Until I do get that stupid crystal ball I guess I am just stuck writing this for no one to read and waiting things out. I feeling like I am always waiting things out though I am tired of waiting for someone to do something to spark a fire under my butt. Then I have a thought, is the spark and fire just a reflex reaction out of anger…or is it how I really feel and I am too afraid to admit that until the fire has been sparked? Confused. That should be my name…Confused. It fits me, in fact it describes me really accurately. I guess I will have to consult my friends and family. Maybe one of them will have the magic thought to stop me thinking and get me uncofused. (Is that a word?) Oh well on to my boring pathetic life. I am so drab and ordinary now, I feel like my internal light as been slowly loosing oxygen and starting to flicker out. I used to be so light hearted and fun to be around. The life of the party, laughing, running around with a huge genuine smile on my face and everyone loved being around me. Now I am just a dull dimming pale yellow light that fakes being bright that people see and keep on looking for a brighter light. Man, that sure is depressing to think about. Then I have a thought. Do I really feel that way or am I just a little sad today? Then I start thinking, how long have I felt this way? Has it been a while, or just every now and again? Does it matter how often I feel like this if this is how I feel. No one should feel like a dimming pale yellow light right? Confused, all of this thinking and thoughts have gotten me very confused and now tired. Thought, thinking, confused, tired. Yep that is me.

Later

My Birthday Week

julieboomboom — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 20:30:12 +0000

So my Birthday is a BIG deal to me. Like a real BIG deal to me, I love it. I start a count down on Nov 18th, 11 months out. So not only is this my birthday but it is my mom’s too. So I was born on her birthday and we celebrate it together. Form the past two years we have not been able to spend it together, so I got this crazy idea to go up and visit her mom, my grandma, since she is kind of lonely. So we decided we would do that. Before thinking that whole thing through I forgot how much my mom and grandma fight with each other. Seriously, they are like cats and dogs. On top of that I forgot how much I detest that kind of fighting. So we were there for a full 24 hours before they started in at it. So I get mad and start screaming at them to stop screaming. We all know how well that works, fighting fire with fire isn’t the best idea. Typically water fights fire the best. But once that was all over my mom decides she wants to argue with me. So we go around for awhile, but we made up shortly there after. So that was my birthday week. Not too great but a good time seeing my mom and grandma. Oh and I got to go to Wick’s Apple House in Dowagiac Michigan. I LOVE that place. It has the best donuts, cider, and desserty stuff. So that was great. Oh and we also found this nice little hot dog place called Ricky’s and I really fell in love with that place too. We went down to the beach and got a whole lot of pictures to add to my memory box which was nice as well. But right now I am in the airport waiting to go home. Waiting to go back to the norm. I will be honest I am not looking forward to the heat. It hasn’t gotten any hotter then 60 while I was here and back home is 93. So that is a small bummer. But I guess I will survive. Oh I like that song.
Later

AAAAGGGHHHH!

julieboomboom — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 04:07:21 +0000

Ok so I am going to take a moment here and just complain. I had a crappy butt day and I want to just scream I am so mad, and I didn’t even get done what I wanted the most to get done. (Now that I am typing this up I am starting to realize maybe it wasn’t such a bad day but at the time it really seemed that way.)

So I got moved to a different desk at my job. They moved me in an area where there are 7 seats. I now occupy one of those, who else occupies the other desks you might ask. Well, no one. Yeah that is right, out of 350 associates that work there I sit by my freakin self. I was so upset. So I started to cope with it. After two days I thought I would start to like being alone. Well guess what! They moved two other people by me and now I have to have small chit chat with people. I hate filler time and words. I like to speak only when necessary, not to fill a void.

After that I went to my second job, the job that I love with my whole heart and soul. Well when I got there the stupid other girl that works there turned off all of the equipment I would need to function and it takes the stupid things 20 minutes to warm up again. So I was kind of pissed off about that because it makes me look stupid in front of the clients. So after that my first client came in and was all taken aback by the fact that I wasn’t the employee she had saw previously and she was so hard to please after that. My second client came in and I did a real bang up job on her. She looked freakin fantastic and she tipped me 3 bucks. Are you kidding me 3 bucks. If you are that poor just keep it to yourself and I will just deal for crying out loud.

So then it was time for me to close up and I couldn’t get the drawer to balance or even to let me add my tips from the horrific day. I sat around trying to figure it out for 50 minutes. Yeah you read that right almost a whole extra hour of looking at the computer hoping that magically it would just do what I wanted it to by my sheer mind power. But of course it didn’t and I tried to get a hold of everyone that could point me in the right direction, but none of them would answer their freakin phones to even hint at the right direction. So now I am fuming and all I want to do is go home and run.

Well by the time I finally got home it was too late to go out by myself. AGH all I wanted to do to day was go running. That was it. Seriously that is all I wanted to do. I just wanted to put on my shoes and not think. Just let my mind wonder while my body just went too.

Now I just have to hope I can get it in tomorrow.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Later

Oh Crazy Day

julieboomboom — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 23:45:33 +0000

So there is no telling what is going on any more. My Dad left to go home and I went and picked up my husband’s mom from the airport. We have been hanging out and doing a few odds and ends. I was really offended by her the other day and I am trying hard not to let that show now. I due tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve but I think I am doing well. She is out here on a one way ticket and I have NO idea when she will be leaving, this only in slightly bothersome to me. Then on the other hand my husband loves having her here and it makes him happy, so I will try really hard to be on my best behavior. Play nice and all of that junk. I just feel sometimes that she is encroaching on my space. I know she means well, or at least I feel that she means well. It’s just hard sometimes to have a husband around his mother. He gets so babied and weird. I am sure she will only be here for about a week or so, and I know I can handle that. I have called out sick the past three days and I need to go back tomorrow but being off all the time is SUPER nice. I will have to just jump right back into things, even though I really don’t want to at all. So wish me luck on my adventures with my mother in law.

Later

What Day is Today?

julieboomboom — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 23:43:00 +0000

So it is official, toady I have started my very own blog. Yes I have blogged before…you know myspace or whatever. But this? This just feels different.

I am not even sure if I will send this to my family and friends to look at, or if maybe this will be just for me. Either way. Today I have started.

Nothing super interesting has happened today. Dad came in yesterday and now we are just hanging around the house. He wants to check out some RV’s for him and mom. We checked some out today but he has another in mind that I think we will try and go see tomorrow.

It is really great to have him here. I miss my family so much over all the time spent apart so it is a real pleasure to have him here now. Bandit is getting used to him here too. So that is a huge acceptance step.

Shanea’s BDay is coming up here real soon and then we will be going to see NKOTB, yes you are right New Kids On The Block. I know I know we are the biggest dorks out there, but we are going to have SO much fun.

Well that is really all I have for today, my first day. I am sure as things roll along I will be adding a lot more.

Oh I do want to keep record here of how I am doing with starting my own business. I went and showed Dad the places that I was thinking about leasing and the spot I like the best Dad picked out as his favorite too. So hopefully the cost won’t be too crazy. I called the leasing number on the door so I should here back probably Monday or Tuesday I figure. My Business Plan is almost done. I have to do the marketing part which I have really been putting off but I will get that done this next week. I also have to get pricing info on Dermalogica and Rhonda Allison products for back bar. I will get that done this week or next too.

Well really that is all I have this time.

Later